i used to wake up

I used to wake up next to a beautiful girl in a house I called my own. I paid the bills. I cooked, washed dishes, and threw parties. I danced on couches, entertained and had sex everywhere the mood took me. It’s excruciatingly hard for me, having walked out of that life and into my current situation. Within a short flight I lost a world I created where friends became family. Now friends have become emails; freedom and space now squandered. Sitting at my desk in my bedroom across the hall from my mother’s room- I can feel the empty sheets that lie still upon my bed. I feel them because it pangs me to have to live waking up alone each and every night until I move on with my life. I am lonely.

I've recently made note of all the events I’ve been invited to in the past few weeks that I’ve turned down. Why? Why have I stopped living my life Louis? Is it money?

I think it is!

Are you afraid to go out?

I really don’t know- my mind is blank!

Think damn it- take a second to dig!

Maybe I’m afraid to meet people because I’ll get into another relationship that I’ll have to walk out on- and hurt another person. I am tired of hurting people. But by not going out- I am hurting myself on the only principle that i’m going out looking to get into a relationship. I have to know that you can’t get into another relationship being the situation I am in right now-unless it works and life plays out accordingly. I have to go out and have fun. Everything at home; writing, photos and feeling guilty and leaving mom alone need to end!!!

The only way you are going to have fun and enjoy life is to get out there and play. Don’t let a rainy day stop you. Don’t let money stop you- you can do everything within reason- live within these means. Drink water  or soda or just have A beer- not 4. Eat when you have to eat- don’t be gluttonous.

I think you are letting money put too much of a grip on your life, as well as, your so called passion for writing you are avoiding so dearly. It is this downward spiral that is depressing you.

So how are you going to deal with this issue?

You are going to have to be more active- the worst thing for you to do is stay cooped up inside the house; go to coffee shops, play darts, bball, hike and when people invite you to go out… Go!! This will help kick start your life back in Dundas. As for being alone- you won’t be- you’ll be surrounded by friends and be sharing great times- perhaps you’ll even meet some new people.

One little fact- you haven’t met anyone new since you’ve been back over the past 4 months. And you really don’t contact any of your friends you already have. You’re becoming a loner- living a petty writer’s life of seclusion… and I’m not even writing anymore. Now that all this has come to fruition inside of you and is now laid out on print- there are no more excuses for your lack of motivation to assimilate yourself back into Hamilton life… and not only survive… but thrive.