Matt and I went for a ride today trying to stave off the hunger- we really didn’t have a destination, more of a way to keep the ol mind occupied- pulling out of the driveway a vision of pap reeled into play and to think of it- I haven’t visited him since he passed a good 2 ½ months ago- damn!! Its really been that long- I swish around the motions before spitting out the words “life doest stop for those who have lost”… and that’s the honest truth. I remember skimming the shelves at Wal-Mart for some measly chord eyes darting, ears attentive and I’ll never forget the day life ended in my mother’s screams… screams of terror- A scream that I’ll never shake.
2 ½ months… well nows the time. My mother said earlier that youre not supposed to visit the deceased on a holiday- something that I find a little unnecessary and outdated and honestly a rather twatish belief- “if anything we should visit our loved ones freely- whenever that moment bursts into our hearts that drives us- be it, holiday or not- that’s when we should visit our loved ones”.
We pulled up to the cemetery, a peaceful site- we drive into the gates as I drop the music and inch my speed- we chose to place papa in a mausoleum instead of the ground to preserve his site- so that its viewable all year round, for him and us and lastly because it was a beautiful resting place. We parked and I picked up a stone before entering- a jewish star la in place of his name- another tradition that I soon become aware of is… that names are not to be placed upon the marble slab faces of the caskets embedded into the walls until 6 months to a year following a passing- she also said it might be because we hadn’t paid our dues yet- either way matt and I stood with necks atilt both in peace having conversations with our papa. I can only imagine the images that ran through Matt's head after spending 17 years of their lives together. I at 27 have shared countless moments that have been strung together only dur to being born 1 ½ hours away- I tell him how hurt our family is and how much he is missed- though I say this without hardship because it is only because he loved with such loyalty and intensity that we are left with broken hearts and I wish him no ill. I tell him about the dilemma of my name change and that its hard to take pictures of the family and follow his legacy because pictures without him only lead to much more heartache- I place the stone on the ground at the base of the structure and leave with a joke about how the men are always the ones to fast while the women are at time hortons the second the sermon finished- that’s our family in a nutshell- a wonderful family that’s been stitched together with loved and laughter. Another family arrives to grieve so we quietly back out and walk back to my car in silence- both deep in thoughts.
We ended breaking fast at 6:01 with our ashkin tradition of kugul, tuna, quiche, bagels- gorging ourselves till our seats are replaced with couches and rumbles of hunger with grunts of pain. The night was a little solemn but the overall mood was light. I drove home from buffalo passing papa plot. I love you papa!
Sept 18/2011
No comments:
Post a Comment