Showing posts with label women. Show all posts
Showing posts with label women. Show all posts

Wednesday, 7 March 2012

first snowfall

Today marks the first real snowfall of the year!
My car almost died.
I baked for 7 hours and had sex with Trish twice before work.
I’m lying in bed congested in the head,
Heater on with the window cracked-
Room clean
And about to read Kerouac’s Dharma Bums
Today’s been a great day!

thanks for giving up

I guess if ever it’s about time for me to get back to reality. For the past few days my head has been in the clouds- half the time trying to make sense of the situation, while the other half is just blah.

You know, I’ve always been a trusting guy- never one to worry about girlfriends hanging out with their ex’s, or going to the bar with their friends and partying without me. But, now I am fighting a deep down struggle with the truth.

I’ve already made my mind clear that I will never know the complete truth. SO I am left with a couple of options. I can either call it quits and move on or believe her story and try to mend our mishap- both leaving me feeling unsettled and unnerved.

This being- that if I decide to call it quits- I could be doing so on terms that were unjustifiable (being that she really is telling the truth)- but on the contrary, she has left me questioning her past behaviours.  Which leads me to believe her story is a grand ruse. Also not to bash her, but she placed herself in this situation. She has let me down before coming up with elaborate answers about her whereabouts- That I am left to swallow.  This time not to be outdone, she didn’t even have the decency to let me know she want going to make it to my party “her phone was more important than my thanksgiving”

She has done many selfish acts and spends most of her weekends drinking with friends I’ve never met- or who I have never been introduced to. This leaves me curious as to whether she has another life that I am not a part of.  And lastly I am in Korea for the next year or two- is this relationship really worth mending? Hardly likely. Should I be wasting my time on a girl that I know has an end to her- a final goodbye.

On the other hand- if I do decide to get back with her, ill have to forfeit all prior accusations and be able to start fresh.  Am I willing (or able) to do that?

Thinking about it right now, I don’t think I can honestly trust her again, without a lingering thought in the back of my head. Its not even that I care she has a boyfriend- which is the scary part- I know our relationship was eventually going to end. There was no marriage insight.  So its up to me if I want to get back with her for good times or take some time off and figure out what I want before I rush into any concrete decisions.  Being single would be fun, and I don’t really want to start meeting new girls with Erin lingering in my mind.

As the proof lies in front of me, it looks as though there is more evidence proving what I should do.  And this is solely for me- I have to think of me without thinking of hurting anyone’s feelings. I come first in my life and it’s not selfish for me to say that. I know what must be done. 

Tuesday, 6 March 2012

gentle tap

She woke me with a gentle tap on my shoulder and my eyes alertly opened as if I knew this hour was coming. The sun beamed on my glowing beauty. Her flowering diamond ring sang a song to which my ears were left sullen. My body left sullen. Eyes sullen. Chest sullen. Heart sullen. This moment seemed like a dream had it not been for the immense color and tingling sensation I had hidden behind my eyes. Her bags were packed. She only came for her bags, but we made love all throughout my paisley sheets that now hung over the cliff of my mattress. My sheets still damp from love- now shelter a dampness of tears. My tears trickle past the crease in my eyes- slowly like a creek almost barren.

lou's lament


Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!
The jumbly mess of a blundering atrocity
The wretched inklings of thought
Disfigured, maimed
Limping thought the foul sewage
I call my mind.
Clenched jaw, tensed in anger
Brewing envisions of the nights past
Feeling confined, chained
Gagging on my passive actions

In the last 10 hours I’ve relived the moment as if id locked eyes with my child as our grip lost clasp and let slip away. Now choking on words and tears- I feel as if I too had lost a love.  She was the first girl I’d loved and within days a migratory had taking homage and feasted on my broken heart, drinking my tears until I was barren as the Gobi.

I let the phone ring until she appeared at my door- she knocked with the weight of anger. I meekly let her in. The blinds hid any source of light. My room mixed with the stench of resent and fear along with my smoky clothes which were strewn about the room. I swim in my bed as tears stain my pillowcase. This is the scene she walks into- dark, lonely and down.

Not my best moment, but I bore no painted face. Every apology was batted away with quick arsenal. The tears rallied between us.  I drowned in her eyes thinking it would be the last- my sombre face wrinkled, squinting fighting composure.  I pictured a life without her smiling, glowing, sexy presence- and I vowed to protect her. 

These words foreign to my lips- always one to give love, humour, nourishment, encouragement, attention and so on…. But protection- where has my head been lodged?
Girls need protection- the feeling of safety and security. Why had I not offered my position that night? I choked- I lost the moment. A coward, a chicken, a push-over- I jumped to rationality rather than violence- a formula breast fed to me since birth. It is a product of my heritage.

But there must be times when I need to break character and fight for love. That night I fought with tears, a surreal awakening inside of me- I need to be aware at all times. I lead an indecisive ‘yadda yadda whatever’s cool’ kind of life and it is time I turned that around. Its time I have my mind made up before I enter a situation give it my full attention.

Min Ji criticized my character pointing out that dire situations bring out a persons real character. Am I a weak man? Do I coward and run from trouble? Or is it a trait that I can work on and master? These questions will be left hanging next to the suit that awaits my funeral.

We emerged from my bedroom as a burst of light blinded our beady eyes- and much like the sun after a storm, it too instilled beauty and calmness.  And as if she had planned it- her first smile appeared on her face since the incident. We toss smiles back and forth like father and son playing ball.  I will tell you it was one of the most refreshing moments in my life- to have lost love and found it staring into your eyes. She said she loved me over a bike ride.   

6/2/2009

Friday, 2 March 2012

last night in bogota

It was our last night in Bogota, Colombia and I was craving Mexican food. We just went on a two hour chase to find the post office of all places and they were going to charge us forty dollars to send a few postcards home. So we walked out disgruntled and craving Mexican even more- the thought of getting what I wanted, something tasty and meaty, was my new driving force. So Ry and I started cruising the streets in search of a restaurant.
The night was setting in when we stumbled upon a jam packed street market with everything from artists making hand crafts and puppeteers to toy vendors and cross-dressing street performers.  We stared in amazement at what we had just come across when a beautiful Colombian woman in her early 20’s, with silky brown hair down to her small breasts that were hidden underneath her tight red top held together with thin white laces passed us without acknowledgement, but seemed a little distraught, or lost- so Ryan and I continued on with our pursuit for Mexican. As we walked down the street, the thousands in attendance acted as barricades towards our departure, so instead of walking around, we took our time mingling through the crowd and taking in the atmosphere.
Lucky we did, because all of a sudden, the foxy young miss, was heading right towards us. As we stood there gazing at her, she approached with flyers in her hand. She smiled and asked us if we wanted a coupon for ice skating in Bogota; we flirted with her for a while, but told her we weren’t interested because it was our last night her- and that we were really in search for Mexican food. She told us she knew the perfect spot and would show us the place. Well, now how to you like the looks of that.
So Ryan, the beautiful dark skinned woman and myself ventured on towards food.
The night prior we had gone salsa dancing with another beautiful woman by the name of Rosio at a little hole in the wall discothèque in a dodgy little neighbourhood in Bogota. Rosio and I really hit it off, and I actually shared one of the most intimate times of my life; not during sex, but rather dancing. We embraced each other arm in arm, sauntering across the barren room, alone. The bar twinkling from the warm glow of the candles that leaked from aged wine bottles and with the rawness that sprung forth from the crackling of the record player, left the two of us buried deep within each other’s souls, eyes locked, and to the point of knowing each other’s next move- I was moved to chills.
Since I had found a lady in my life, I decided to let Ryan have the honours with the new pretty young miss.  Along the walk she was very flirty and jovial towards both of us, as she told us about herself and spoke fluently in four languages; English, Spanish, French and Japanese- knowing this, helped take my mind off of her being a whore, because no whore knows four languages and that’s a fact.
So we arrive at the restaurant after a long hike up a cobblestone road, passing the Plaza De Armas where we hung out earlier that day taking pictures and searching for the police museum. We sat down and ordered drinks as she got up and started posing for pictures- bending over and showing off her pouty face that would put any mans marriage in danger. She went behind to talk to one of the waiters, returning later with an oversized sombrero   and a free round of drinks for all of us- I don’t care what she had to do for it. I love this girl.
Ryan and I ordered food, and I left to make a call to Rosio before dinner arrives- I excuse myself and she tells me that she will come and help me find someone with a cell phone. We hit the streets and I tell her about this awesome girl I met the night prior, and about our dancing and the magical night we shared. 
We finally found a convenience store with a woman with a cell phone, and I make a call to Rosio, to no avail. I call a few more times leaving messages, and decide to come back after dinner to make one more.  We returned, and I finally got the taste of Mexico I had been craving- this restaurant was amazing, every bite was packed with such flavour. So I finished eating and ran back to make a call. She once again never picked up the phone, so I bought some cookies from the shop, and returned to the restaurant and finished our drinks.
By this time it was about to leave, so we asked our lovely lady of the evening if she would like to come back to our house and drink some rum before going salsa dancing. She happily accepted and the three of us walked arm in arm in arm down the cobble road back to our hostel.
We got back to our room and cracked the rum, we lied on two beds passing the rum back and forth before she stood up and starting playing with her shirt. “How much”, she sternly said.  “I can’t believe it dude” I said “she is a whore”.  We joking played it off and turned the roll vice versa and asked her how much it would cost to sleep with us. Then she starts unbuttoning her pants and once again sexily says “how much?” “Are you kidding me” I replied, before she dropped to the bed and grabbed hold of Ryan’s cock.
I was sitting on the opposite bed watching this whole ordeal take place for about thirty seconds before I said fuck this “I am getting a part of this action”. I switched beds and grabbed a hold of her as she rotated around to start riding Ryan; she bent over and started sucking my cock. We were both in shock and giddy as hell for this to be happening to us on our last day in Bogota- so we did what any good friends would do, they would fuck the shit out of her for nine hours and go salsa dancing in between.
Well the sex was sex, and as much as I would like to get into detail, I was lost in the moment and much as I can relive it in my head, I cannot go through all the manoeuvres and details- let’s just say she was passed back and forth all night and she loved every minute of it, craving more the second we finished.
One thing I can recall is that she didn’t listen well and gave the worst blowjob I had ever had in my life- you wouldn’t believe the teeth she used, it was like she was peeling a carrot. And try to get her lick your balls; the girl wouldn’t take any constructive criticism at all. Aside from that the night was unbelievable and a lifelong dream been fulfilled that will follow me to the grave.
So back to the night, it was around twelve at night when we decided to go salsa dancing. We got up, pushed all the condoms aside, washed up, and were about to leave, but this young lady wouldn’t put on a shirt.  She stood there, bra on, refusing to put on her shirt, so we came to an understanding and she put on her leather jacket and off we went passing through countless faces in the lobby in our hostel, that for better or not, know what’s going down.
We get to the first bar and walk down the stairs. Ordering three drinks for our crew, we sit down and have a sip before she takes her jacket off, revealing her bra, getting up on the dance floor and starts shaking it. When does this happen honestly, so we jumped right in, dancing to the electronica and making out with her on the dance floor as she sways and moves across the floor appearing drunk to all the wide eyed viewers of this amazing spectacle. When do they ever get a chance to see, two white guys dancing with a topless Colombian chick- if your guess is never, then consider us blessed.
We ditched the bar for a more authentic feel, and found this amazing hot spot brimming with life on the second floor of this average building. We climb the steps as the sound of salsa begins to beat deeper and deeper it is getting hard not to dance- not that we were avoiding it. We slid into the room as eyes gazed our way, especially bringing a topless woman, I am sure not all the attention was on us gringos. The smooth styles of Hector Lavoe, Richie Ray and the Cubana all star band cleared the chairs as everyone in the house was on their feet.
Ryan and I took turns dancing with her and she lit up the room, swinging her naked body to the music, I kept getting approached on the craziness of the ordeal. Colombians were trying to make sense of the night and who she was with, Ryan or I, and if they had a chance to get with her. We laughed it off and just told them she was a gift from god to fulfill both of our needs.
As I sat in the corner, smiling like I never have before, taking in the scene of the hot salsa bar in Colombia, I could not believe what was happening.  Little miss walked over to me, turned over her shoulder to see if anyone was watching, then dropped to her knees, pulling my cock from out of my pants and started giving me a blowjob in the corner of this bar, the size of your average classroom.  And I thought this night just keeps on getting better- that’s it, I can finally die a happy man.
As the club started to settle down around 4 in the morning, we walked down the stairs with a crew of people, all wanting a piece of this action, but unfortunately Ryan and I are greedy Canadians and were not passing up a lifetime opportunity, so we hoarded her for ourselves- stopping at the corner store picking up 2 more packs of condoms to return for more loving. 
I couldn’t wait any longer, so I piggy-backed her to the hostel, throwing her on the bed and ripping off her clothes as if it were the world was going to explode any minute and this is how I going to die- fucking. Ryan burst back into the room and the party continued for another 2 hours of passing, swapping, high fiving, singing and moves I that I didn’t even know I was capable of, until this dream maker showed up in our arms.
The night came to an end as we shared a cookie and lay conqueror like in our twin beds. I let her sleep with Ryan, so I could sprawl out and have a comfortable sleep after such a rewarding and uplifting night. A night that no one could ever take away, even if I was stripped of everything and left locked in a Colombian cell filled with burly, Spanish men- I could relive a life of better times and shelter myself from the pain, knowing I have conquered a lifelong dream so early in my youth.
We all fell asleep, only to wake up at 6 to push her off to work- she, naked and spread out across the bed, laid motionless to our calls. I sleepy and deserving a great rest, fell back asleep, only to wake to her kissing me on the cheek and saying farewell.
She walked out the door the next morning, without even telling us her name. But I knew who she was from the moment I met her.  She was fucking god. And all I have to say is amen.  

prelude party taganga

I went canoeing today with this very lovely Swede, Linn- our venture for paradise got crashed into a hard hitting cove, ending us with minor scratches- I explained to her “that this experience has brought us so much closer together:. Great day, tiring, stood up at a baguette shop- over all still a pretty good baguette.
I met two keen Canadian sisters last night at the baguette shop- they came by my house, the first to do that in my six day stay in Taganga, and we talked about travelling, life in Canada and where to visit when I go to Montreal with my mother in three weeks. We all crashed by two- the girls in hammocks- I on mattress.
Tonight I had my first party at my hillside cabana- the house was a hit, but patrons left to get speakers twice. The sun is up and a beautiful Swede lie in my bed. I lied next to her as she clung to the edge. What is it about me that pushes girls away- am I not attractive. I am clueless and feel let down. I need a warm touch- a meaningful embrace- I want to be loved even if for one night.

pour my heart

I pour my heart out hoping that youll listen
I know im the one that left, but now my hearts twitching
I miss all those nights cooking in the kitchen
Switching to the bedroom, kissing, shoulders bitten, breasts glisten

coke pary in taganga

I freestyled for everyone last night- real good chaps boosting me up and what not john selected different beats and I flowed atop of it all- picking on people in the room. The girl with red toenails that matched her dress; John sweating after walking up 75 stairs; Carlos and his pile of cocaine; and I the host of this merry fiesta- I awoke to a cold shouldered Swede, who in my books isn’t as genuine a person as I once thought her to be- she didn’t offer to clean, no thank you for last night; just “I’m going to the beach”. This morning she pulled a stolen maraca from her bag and last night she told me to roll her a join- very demanding and two-faced to get what she wants. I was fooled to thinking she enjoyed my company- though fooled no more. Her friend Ida showed interest in me last night rubbing my thigh, with her head rest upon my chest- real sweet girl; perhaps we will meet again soon.

dont blow it

I’m desperate!
I sound desperate!
And fuck I feel it too!
Each girl that gives me an ounce of attention
I prance on like I’ve been locked up for a year.
The thing is it’s not even girls that id generally find attractive, or relationship-py
It’s just I long for connection, the touch, love, yearning-
I need someone to be thinking of me, for me to feel satisfied.
All I think about is sex…
Who am I gonna fuck?
Who can I text?
Is she single?
Maybe I’ll talk to her!
I jump at the first attempt- though nothing is premeditated,
It constantly comes from the dick…..
I think with my fucking dick 100% of the day-
I don’t get work done because of my fucking dick
I can’t even concentrate because of my dick
I wake up in the morning thinking, thinking of fucking…
Porn timeout- back in 10 minutes!

Ahh….
See what I mean-
I can’t even get through a page without my dick feeling left out.
So here I am stuck in a predicament if whether or not I want a relationship-
But fuck trying to get one because I’m too hot out the gate-
My dicks always front row eking to get a better peek of who’s on stage-
And once blow I pretty much lose my gusto and enthusiasm-
Kind of just move onto the next girl on the spot.
I can be so into a girl- hard crushing- blow it- next day-
Bam onto the next one!
But that makes me think, if it didn’t work out what if I didn’t blow it-
Where would I be now in a relationship with that girl I just had thoughts of fucking?
I have to impose a screening process because my mind jumps around way too quickly.
One day I want a girlfriend the next, perhaps even hours later, I just want to be single and fucking.

It’s too damn hard to define what I want because the majority of the girls I meet I don’t see a future, but I see a girl who wants to play- so play I do- maybe I’ll even play a few more games, but soon I’m looking for a new field to play on- this always happens when I move too quickly.

But I think that goes for many- all my relationships that worked out- well, at least lasted longer than a few fucks, relationships where we got to know one another first. I think sex is the instant killer- unless, it’s the opposite where we have sex, I fall in love and the she loses interest. It’s never been mutual for me moving things too quickly.


Basically, what this comes down to is; what do I want? I want to play, go play! If I want a relationship, then work on a relationship- just don’t rush into either with your dick out. Have a well articulated plan- not the ol’ call up for sex, housebound perv, but a nice guy- if you have to… go jerk off and call her after.
Speaking of that, I’m going to take care of that once again.
I am in charge of my destiny-
Don’t blow it!!

what am i missing?

Do you miss Minji?
Some days I do! I think those are my low days- when I’m feeling lonely and just want someone to care for me, maybe just have me on their mind. Though, I would have to say the same over other past ex’s- I dig through a list of faces and evening we’ve share and pick on that. How is this, what I’m missing in my life…? It’s not! It may be at the moment but that’s just me being emotional and irrational and selfish. One bad day doesn’t mean jumping back with an ex on the other side of the world. Unfortunately my answer is no- I mean of course I do, she was a part of my life and legacy of Korea, but she is not really the one I picture my life with, and if I were to/ continue to think she is- I will only be wasting her time too. Yes, she is hurting. And I too, for her. I made the right decision.

Did you?

I think I did. I know my character and I want to travel and be promiscuous and just explore life with no knots.
Is this a good thing?
Is this worth the exchange?

Well, I don’t think it’s a bad thing. I know it has its drawbacks- but, until I find someone that is on my life path I don’t feel I should settle. Hell, I sacrifice and it hurts. The highs are soaring- but the lows are deep. I fortunately haven’t had to suffer many lows in my life- which is why this low stings particularly bad.

So what’s the plan?

Well, schools hire in September and March- Ideally I’d like to move to a university job- something with minimal hours and long vacation time. Perhaps a job with room for tutoring and editing.

So you have your mind on teaching?

Yes, Yes I do! It’s my calling for now and it’s something I enjoy dearly. The only question is where.

What are your choices?

Back to Korea obviously- which was unbelievable by the way- but in order to stay sane id have to take a few long vacations to India or throughout South East Asia. My other option is Hong Kong, Taiwan, or Thailand. Ranging in high to low for pay. I must research the benefits to each- but, ideally $$/hour and schedule will seal the deal.

Why did you get with Minji if you knew you were going to leave her?

To be honest I’ve never asked myself that question, because subconsciously I knew I would be leaving but I was selfish to never have brought that question to light. I just knew I was happy having fun and sex with a beautiful, intelligent girl. I’m so easily adaptable to the flow between girls and MOST of life's obstacles (obviously barring this transition) that I never thought about how much she loved me, and how she pictured our lives together, perhaps children and a house. I never thought this.

Would it, or should it have made a difference?
I don’t think it would have- well, it didn’t. But, it should have a lot earlier in the relationship. I was one sided- I never questioned myself, what I expected from this. It should have I guess… excitement, intrigue, and selfishness cast a shadow over my sensitive and caring side.

This is definitely a break through, but it’s up to you to read/re-read this and follow the steps to correct your life. I can only help in spurts- you must live to maintain a consciousness.

Repetitiveness will also help with your memory.

Do you have anything else to add before today’s session is over?

I am beginning to see things a little clearer. It’s up to me to get out and involved- and just follow my heart while being aware of others around myself. Don’t do anything with selfish intentions. Maybe now isn’t the best time to spark a long term relationship- maybe it will be a few years- but be truthful from the start- so you don’t waste anyone’s time. It will be ok. I’m just in a slump and I’ve been thrown a rope to my saviour. All I have to do is pull I in.

just a night

So I met this girl through her friend. I was hanging out in Hongdae drinking a bottle of wine, excited and loud, a little ripe from the suds. I was feeling great. So my friends and I get to the bar and they start to walk down the staircase, but I hang back along the railing, because I have to finish my bottle. The colourful lights and the youthful flow of this hip university town had my eyes shaking like a Ludacris video. When this pretty Spanish girl walks up and I said something like “would you like some wine? I like your eyes”. We get to talking about our new lives in Korea, when her blonde fashionate friend saunters up, torn stockings Cyndi Lauper “girls just want to have fun” mode. I talk to both of them for a while as we finish the wine. My friends return looking for me, we all introduce everything is beautiful. I end up getting the Spanish girl’s phone number and call her soon. Well nothing ended up ever happening with her, but I continued to run into her friend the fashinista all over Korea. We were very sassy with one another in a sexy playful way- but nothing ever happened or was initiated. 

ball game lament

“I need a break- a time out; just a freakin’ second from my day to turn it all off”.

“What the hell are you talking about man?”

“I mean I’m constantly at war with my thoughts. Girlfriend issues; I’m sick of work; I’m thinking of home; confused in my passion; I feel nothing I do will I ever be satisfied with. You know- everything I do for my girlfriend, I think out first. I calculate my action before persecuting- it’s all really mathematical; but in every incident where I put her in the forefront of my thoughts before taking action- I always manage to fuck up. Every fucking time- I fuck up. Take this for example; now it’s pouring outside and I have work in a couple hours. She planned to come over and make me lunch; all sweet and great- but I got work in 2 hours and I got to leave 30 minutes earlier now and catch the bus, cause’ I can’t ride my motorcycle due to the fucking impeccable timing of the downpour. So I say listen sugar “I don’t think today is a good day for lunch… cause I have to leave 30 minutes earlier to get to work cause of the rain and it will take you an hour to get here- leaving no time to cook and eat… and its pouring outside and I don’t want you to get soaked and come all the way to see me- just for 20-30 minutes.” See I was being fucking rational- and you know what? She starts ho-humming about how I’m too damn rational. I don’t even fully recall what her argument was about; something about how she’s got all this meat and veggies and how she’ll have to give it to her roommates now. I don’t know what to say- everything I did I had her with full intention in mind; I didn’t want her to get wet or have to travel across town for such a short stay- No, but I’m the indecent one. I’m the one who shat in her breakfast. So today we get into another tiff at a good ol’ ball game. Minji and I are at the game with her best friend and my friend Daniel, who, let me throw this side-note in first, has a brother now in jail in Tehran because he fought for peace; his 28 year old brother has been locked up for 10 days without a word and his family doesn’t even know which prison he is in; and furthermore a fellow student has just died in jail the day prior. So it is understandable to say he is not of great spirits- but he is a very strong man and has the power of love and such a hate for Muslims in his heart that it fuels him to cope with his brothers reasoning, why he took his anti-Muslim aggression to the streets.  So the four of us are at the game and its now in the 6th inning; I look over at Daniel and see he’s fading, losing interest- so I ask him if he wants to go home, Ill give him a ride. He does; so I tell the girls that we have to get going, I lie and say we are very tired because I didn’t want to get into detail about his thoughts, which is why I said we are tired. I gave them another beer, wished them a lot of fun, and told my girl I love you (texting her minutes later with the same message, but telling her to call me when the game ends). Not that it matters really but I had free tickets and used them to get Minji and her friend into the game- so when I got the message after I dropped Daniel off that the girls were SO embarrassed; it got me a little upset. Now give me a fucking break- you and your friend are 28 and 29 years old, you are at a free baseball game, with free beer and you are with your best-friend in the world and you got the fucking nerve to say you are embarrassed because we left. It just so happened to be another reason we left, but even if we were tired and that was our excuse- sit and enjoy the goddamn game. But no you decide to text were so embarrassed rather than thanks for the tickets we had a great time; don’t give me this bullshit- you’re not a child anymore; you’re a fucking adult- act like one. Its not like I left you on your own- you’re with your friend. Now I told her- as much as I’d love to have 100% of everything you want in life be the way you will it- unfortunately there are times when I’m gonna do what I want or have to do even against your will. And I would expect the same from you- sometimes we just need to do our things; whether you are too tired or the rain comes unexpectedly- plans change and you cant sit there and fucking wine every time something doesn’t go your way, because that’s life. It would be fucking sweet if every time you pouted “poof” you got your way; well I’m sorry, cause that doesn’t fly with me. I’m not here to disrespect you- nope not at all, and I’m not even trying to be rude or meat-headed by saying ‘Yo baby, these are my rules and you betta stick to them or were gonna have some problems”. Naw, it’s nothing like that; I am here to love you, and everything I do; I will do sweetly and have you in mind. And as for the baseball game- I didn’t ask you to come because I knew you were having a lot of fun with your friend- so instead of bringing the mood down- I wanted you to enjoy your time and stay at the game. I was thinking of her. Every time I think of her it always comes around to bite my fucking ass”.

Thursday, 1 March 2012

funk and poetry

Two long nights of funk and poetry-
The crowd absent of you
Is the trigger of my thoughts,
The way the earth’s cycle
Creates the forceful pull and retreat
I too, feel knotted and entangled by the weight

Busy girl, busy girl… My busy girl
Bound by the heavy toll of book
Left stranded choking beneath buried desk

I’m not a teacher
I never expected perfect attendance
I summon a much greater cause-
That of passion

Your report card cannot be checked off in ink
It must be done between sheets- face to face

asian women

Ahhh Asia… with your girls of wonder.
Your girls of intrigue and sex appeal.
With your girls of excitement and change,
With your girls of misunderstanding and attitude,
With your girls of flavor and color,
With your girls of tradition and routine,
With your girls of conformity and rigidness,
With your girls of innocence and naivety,
With your girls.
Ahhhh Asia…
Your girls

children's book

Her feet were followed by the short truddled footsteps of her son. Her dress flowing from her toes up- all the way past her clasped hands that guided her starry eyed boy. The look on his face was as genuine as birth- new to life, colors, sounds- face full of expression.
As my eyes continued making their way further up the woman’s dress I saw her neck was draped in a wind-kissed angelic white scarf. Admiring the way it whipped and cut through the gentle breeze reminded me of a pebble dancing its way across a still creek. Passing her neck a black vale covered her mouth and nose leaving only an inch slit, the width of a children’s book, revealing her piercing emerald eyes.

Much like her scarf that laid motionless prior to being donned- she too was only an accessory amidst her surroundings. And much like the stone that skipped and jumped across the soft current- it too would cease when summer drought rolls around.To me her eyes spoke volumes- she was stuck observing life through eyes that would read the same children’s books to her child. 

Wednesday, 29 February 2012

just a walk

My walks appear to have left me no closer to relief.

Each endeavor into the woods sends clear thoughts,
free mind & temporary closure to my suffocating conscious.
I leave the woods with progress, a sense of advancement an AHHH effect
But as the day turns long- my wooded serenity becomes no longer transferable
and i'm once again left with choking breaths, wandering mind, and jealous rambling thoughts.

This is not me!!
Though it is the new me.
A me I hate.
A me I want to drown with force.
I have been giving 100% to a woman who gives 50% of herself.
This has proven to have a perpetual negative effect on my entire livelihood.
I no longer smile.
I act like a zombie.
I am left deaf to conversation.
My mind is controlled by her lack of interest in I.
I feel sick.
My stomach churns.
My head dizzy.
Faint.
I need air.
Where are you?
Why are you not with me?
When i'm with you I feel alive? Or at least tricked!
Cleopatra you are!
Am I under a spell?
Giving only a little to lead me on.
Have I been mastered by your fallacious tongue and warm desirable body?

I have been led astray.
My path no longer my own.
Blindfolded dumb love-
Slight of hand fooled.

How do I conquer you?
How do I conquer you?
HOW DO I CONQUER YOU?

Must I puke out my vile past?
All our fairy tale moments- reduced to mediocrity if that.
Your mouth is not sacred
Your lips, thighs, kisses-
Tainted
You are not mine!
You never were & I knew this
I tried to change you- make you mine.
I failed and broke myself!
I am broken
I am broken
broken, broken, broken

But with my strong, laborious, educated, traveled, worn, weathered,
crafty, useful, structured, fierce, aggressive, genuine, beaten & beautiful hands-
I will fix myself.
Maybe not overnight-
But I will cure thee.
I will build myself stronger,
Build myself to my own specific dimensions exceeding limitations & boundaries-
I will cure my pain.
I will ail my wounds.
I will quench my tormented sea of thought.
I will conquer you.

just a hello

Her soul wandered into the room.
We only met in passing as if knowing we would be given a second chance;
A burning ember to ignite our conversation
& a giant banana leaf to fan the flames
She spoke with flowing tongue
I listened & dissected to bite size pieces to swallow whole-
Some stories made her smile, proud & honest
Some tear,
Some stories lead her head to my chest
I laughed, choked, and lost heartbeats to her stories
I told her of myself,
Shared poetry and song,
Cut up pieces of my life and fed them to her-
We talked for hours without getting full
We walked arm in arm before I asked her for a kiss-
We kissed
I could have held her for days until my body was replaced with sleep
We parted-
Her to remain at a Occupy Toronto
I to Bovine Sex Club
Her call excited me-
She was Queen Street bound
My soul now worn as mask-
We walked the streets staring at the moon
With her on my back
Two minutes diverted our plans and now we were drinking wine in my bedroom
In another city
She dressed in my clothes & we listened to music
She schooled me
We lied together wrapped in innocence-
Arms tied
Puzzle-piece bodies
Only sounds can describe this comfort
We woke late & got coffee before our return to Kensington
Our goodbye was short in the essence of time
But we are connected eternal
She will go back to Montreal
My life will commence-
But I have forever been left with her eyes like keys-
I lost heart beats