the doctor who cared

Sure I’ve lied to people- though they have been mostly tedious cover-up’s to avoid detail or confrontation. I also know I’ve been lied to; whether a taxi has deliberately driven me home the long way or a corner store clerk makes up a price to an unmarked item- some people just lie.  Though what sets a raging current of hate and forces tension in my fists and jaw are businesses that make a killing out of lies- leading my topic of discussion to the pocket-raping dictatorship of doctor-ship.

I just got off the phone with my ailing father who has been fighting a series of cramps, bloating and constipation for over four months and has been seeing his doctor as regularly as he can or at least as much as he is able to- being doctors inherited gruelling schedules. Each time my father visits, let’s call him Dr. Rich, he is treated in the same response; take yadda yadda these pills and yadda yadda that; sign here; make another appointment with my clerk; thank you for your money.

Now this has been going on for over 4 months, and I could understand and appointment or two to perform testing and a period for receiving information- but four months; who knows if the pills aren’t just placebos- its something that we don’t question because we trust our doctors. But aren’t doctors supposed to look out for the interests of their patients? Then how come everything is treated with a pill? You rarely hear doctors say “if you just mix a little cayenne with some burdock root the swelling should go down”. No you never hear this. Now I am not trying to be cynical or pessimistic (even though it may damn well be) because I know there are millions of good doctors- but these aren’t the ones praised on tv or news or flock past the tongues of the healed.  It is not necessarily the earnest of these doctors as it is the form of treatment they prescribe.

What ever happened to the natural doctors; call them what you will, witch doctors or medicine men that can cure you with nature’s essence?  Now everything is concocted in a laboratory and bears no face- except the welcoming one from your doctor who is taking the wrath from my pen and mind.  If it weren’t for these prescriptions doctors handed out like candy- these doctors wouldn’t be bringing in a fifth of their salary.  But when do you sacrifice the well-being and health of patients for a couple extra zeros on your pay check.

My father who saw his doctor over a handful of times in the four months was given prescription after prescription of ill attempts until they scheduled him for surgery.  His surgery booked for September 09, being another 3 months away was too long to wait for someone suffering as long as he has; what is he to do beside call, badger, harass, beg and plead only to get bumped ahead- aside from that these doctors schedules are carved out of the same stone as the 10 commandments.

While waiting, a friend of my pops with an understanding of my dad’s ailments, mixed him a blend of crushed flaxseed and……………….  And after 2 weeks his pains, cramps and bloating have all receded and he’s also able to go to the toilet regularly.

Now I’d like to know the doctors honest response. Honest being the key word- because how many doctors would agree to fucking up prescribing an unknown pill; admit they were just trying to meet a quota; or just went on a whim.

My father is now back to health thanks to a caring intelligible woman who took a minute to analyze his ailments and perform an ounce of research- all the ingredients found in bulk at a local health store and free from doctors fees and surgical tubes in his ass.   

6/19-20/2009

washing up on shore

I’m staring out at a million shattered and abandoned homes washed up along the beach- and I begin to understand the power struggle amongst species. Within a few hundred meters I witness a total dichotomy of life and existence- the following is my encounter.

Whether you know it or not- each night the ocean recedes hundreds of metres from the beach and each night millions of homes are left seized or under foreclosure. Millions of tiny creatures fight against forces and currents only to be thrown or sent hurling into desertion.  These forces mask that of society- in a sense that the strong survive to a fight a new day, but even then are we not guaranteed that we won’t wash up on shore- figuratively and literally speaking.

I rise from my tent and drag myself down to the beach (I am on vacation don’t forget). I begin my barefoot walk on top of the infinite eddies created by tides- the view strikingly similar to the long rivets created by the desert breeze amongst the dunes, and think about how contrasting these two element really are. As I watch my feet sink ever so slightly before taking my next step- I stop in my track when I spot a dispute. 

I bend at my knees to get a closer look and can’t believe my eyes, but I am witnessing a robbery. A feisty shelled crab no longer than my fingernail is forcing itself into the home of a hermit crab- being that of a much more attractive home, resembling the much needed status one needs when you are one of a trillion. Amongst the fight are three other shelled crabs scrimmaging for what I assume to be the instigators disserted home. 

I rise when my legs get tired of crouching and carry on further till I hit water. I inch myself up to my knees when I spot a fish flying out of the water. Splash!! Then again… and again… and it looks as thought they are playing even though I know they are catching an early breakfast of tasty flies- but the breakfast seems more like a buffet as more fish come shooting out of the water and landing on their bellies making a plop.

Now maybe I wouldn’t have thought anything of this, but I had just witnessed millions of homes destroyed and a robbery in progress- but it made me think how unfair life is to some. While people are out snatching at a sea of flies, others have to fight to hold on to what they have or start from scratch.

I made my way back to the dispute and shook the shelled crab off of the other and placed it a few meters away– and watched it scurry off dragging its beautiful shell behind him. I normally would have let nature take its course- but I felt that everyone deserves a break once in a while.

6/7/09

blossom

The pain in my left foot, though minor, has made it increasingly more difficult to perform my tasks. I had to turn back after less than halfway during last night’s walk to the tower. Today’s motorcycle ride was even hindered because of the clutch. And to think- something as miniscule as an unalignment or baby fracture can cause so much discomfort. We live our whole life in wonder of our body; never fully aware of the functions taking place or the narrowing harm that we introduce to it.  Some accidents or severities are definitely avoidable- whether health conscious, avid fitness\er or you choose not to go sky diving there are many options available to stay on the right foot. But what happened to me and to billions of others are life’s unavoidable lessons. These lessons serve as groundbreaking importance to the development of human nature; they act as an awareness; an awareness of the pain and suffering that exists on the whole- and no matter how painful, people always endure. They fight and they endure. Life without pain is indescribable- for it is not life.  In Buddhist doctrine the focal law is that life is suffering and worldwide famine and terror all the way to he bumps and scratches are all apart of life's infinitely modified puzzle. These injuries are not to break us down but build us up. Take heed in your suffering and let it help you grow- for the forest must suffer winter chills to take fruition next spring.

6/29/2009

heron journey

Weaving through midday traffic like a school of fish amidst coral- I found myself parallel

to the Hangang tributary. A road that begins a sunrise in the distance and ends perfectly located in front of one of my favoured destinations in Seoul. Taking time to appreciate the city was the selling point of buying a Daystar- though hustling my life in-between jarred traffic, is a hustle that requires complete awareness. This is why I was struck with a predicament when its wonder came into my view.  Should I embrace and face potential downfall- this obviously taken in the literal text, or neglect this hallmark and choose safety. Well, Ill tell you- I thought for a lot less time than it has taken me to write this forward and I engaged in an act that I have never before, nor will undoubtedly ever again. So I revved my bike up to 80 and took the inside lane manoeuvring between a sea of motorbikes fighting to eek through the synchronized lights. I finally caught up to my mantra- an incredibly angelic soaring heron. Its delicate wings nearly spanning the width of the waterway effortlessly gliding through the summer heat- ignoring traffic, stoplights, pedestrians and the fury of commotion. It was only concerned with resting its skyscraper frame in the cool water and hoping that’s today’s fixings aren’t going to bring to much of a struggle- because its just to darn hot to make such an effort. The heron flew the contours of the waterway- that tailored the twists and winds of the coal black mirage, as if we were on the same flight. We matched speed and caressed the duration of our venture together- though I fully engulfed in it, and it not I, I felt as if we flew as one.

The euphoria was short-lived. The heron arrived at its destination- swooping overhead while looping gently and descending to the grassy wetland. We departed without words, but that moment left an impression of wings that have helped guide me to soaring heights. 

5/29/2009

lou's lament

Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!

The jumbly mess of a blundering atrocity

The wretched inklings of thought

Disfigured, maimed

Limping thought the foul sewage

I call my mind.

Clenched jaw, tensed in anger

Brewing envisions of the nights past

Feeling confined, chained

Gagging on my passive actions

In the last 10 hours I’ve relived the moment as if id locked eyes with my child as our grip lost clasp and let slip away. Now choking on words and tears- I feel as if I too had lost a love.  She was the first girl I’d loved and within days a migratory had taking homage and feasted on my broken heart, drinking my tears until I was barren as the Gobi.

I let the phone ring until she appeared at my door- she knocked with the weight of anger. I meekly let her in. The blinds hid any source of light. My room mixed with the stench of resent and fear along with my smoky clothes which were strewn about the room. I swim in my bed as tears stain my pillowcase. This is the scene she walks into- dark, lonely and down.

Not my best moment, but I bore no painted face. Every apology was batted away with quick arsenal. The tears rallied between us.  I drowned in her eyes thinking it would be the last- my sombre face wrinkled, squinting fighting composure.  I pictured a life without her smiling, glowing, sexy presence- and I vowed to protect her. 

These words foreign to my lips- always one to give love, humour, nourishment, encouragement, attention and so on…. But protection- where has my head been lodged?

Girls need protection- the feeling of safety and security. Why had I not offered my position that night? I choked- I lost the moment. A coward, a chicken, a push-over- I jumped to rationality rather than violence- a formula breast fed to me since birth. It is a product of my heritage.

But there must be times when I need to break character and fight for love. That night I fought with tears, a surreal awakening inside of me- I need to be aware at all times. I lead an indecisive ‘yadda yadda whatever’s cool’ kind of life and it is time I turned that around. Its time I have my mind made up before I enter a situation give it my full attention.

Min Ji criticized my character pointing out that dire situations bring out a persons real character. Am I a weak man? Do I coward and run from trouble? Or is it a trait that I can work on and master? These questions will be left hanging next to the suit that awaits my funeral.

We emerged from my bedroom as a burst of light blinded our beady eyes- and much like the sun after a storm, it too instilled beauty and calmness.  And as if she had planned it- her first smile appeared on her face since the incident. We toss smiles back and forth like father and son playing ball.  I will tell you it was one of the most refreshing moments in my life- to have lost love and found it staring into your eyes. She said she loved me over a bike ride.   

6/2/2009

meeting minji- downin cass

Well I was at this bar

One Sunday night

Feeling alright

Freestyling on the mic

With nothing on my mind

But a baseball cap

When a girl walked in

And our faces matched

So I told a couple jokes

And I made her laugh

About her drinking Heineken

While I’m downing Cass

Then I strolled off stage

Stepped up and asked

A couple questions

You know- just this and that

“I’m not a game spitter

And if it’s all the same to you

I’d like to get your number

Call you up and arrange something”

So I jotted down the numbers in the phone of mine

The whole time I was checking her eyes

The whole time I was checking her eyes

Until my eyes made their way down to her thighs

So we walked out the bar

One behind the other

Still checking her out

But trying to be undercover

But once we got outside

And the moon lit the sky

She shined bright like the sun

Oh my… Oh my!!

I started thinking what a fine girl she would be

To be around my arm constantly

She’s sexy and dressed to impress

Long black flowing with finesse

And a body that god must have blessed

I’m Talking dressed to a T

And she’s working on a major in psychology

But that’s not the best part

Aside from being smart

She’s also got a great personality

And she loves to laugh

With that beaming smile

And jeans that hug her ass

She’s gonna have my running fast

If her loves a game I’m never gonna come in last

in tune with sweetlou

In a country where infants to ajumma’s own either an Ipod, PSP, or a hand phone with mp3 capabilities - why do people still have the same response to the question, “What kind of music do you listen to?”

                               

It’s understood that the question is a little vague, being the battalion of genres, but anything is better than saying ‘everything’!

Hip hop - Perfect that’s an answer. Rock – another!  Funk, soul, jazz, opera, classical, ballads, Cabaña - these are all kosher answers. Country is another,

though - not globally accepted. Even theme songs to television shows and humming in the shower are acceptable - Whatever it may be, elaborate.

It’s a proven fact that Noraebongs outnumber universities, hospitals, and birth control clinics combined - so you would think people would be more finely in tuned to a proper response. (I would like to point out, that this question is definitely not a single poison-apple dilemma strewn about the city of Seoul - but a bubbling cauldron intoxicating the World, by musically resistant hellcats with a grudge to place a kibosh on music amalgamation). 

I don’t know if it’s only music lovers that appreciate this question, or if it’s just people taking the ‘easy route out’ - but by asking people ‘what kind of music they like?’ you are spreading a sound that’s universal.  Music integration at it’s finest. Like your mother always said ‘word of mouth’ is the best way to sell her delicious baked goods. And much like your ‘momma’s cookin’, music is soul food for the ears.

           

If I asked G-d what music he listened to, I’d wager my healthy hogwan salary that his response wouldn’t be ‘everything’. He would sit me down over a Hite, and tell me how the synthesizer in Zeppelin’s “All of my love” gives him the chills.  How Buena Vista Social Club’s ‘Chan Chan’, ‘Pa Mayte’, and ‘Candela’ are perfect cooking songs for a first date.  How James Brown is the quintessential father of funk, flocking a ‘murder’ of artists to peck away at his golden, hot leathered carcass.  How no way in hell, will or could, Kanye West ever come close to seeing-eye to eye (pun intended) to Stevie Wonder’s genius.  Or about the amazing magician of hip hop,/jazz/soul/funk/experimental Madlib - who’s put out countless records, literally countless. Know one has ever counted this high without being distracted - or had their mother call them because she misses them.

A response to this question doesn’t have to be entirely specific.  Aside from the true ‘beat heads’ this question is tossed around, as a form of discovery, into a canal of interests.  Or in the worst case scenario, conversation on its last legs eking for a quantum leap into ‘scoring’ some digits “Oh my gosh, you love the jazz flute too...No way, can I get your number”. Using a group’s genre, or instrument you play are both legit answers: it narrows the gap from the gargantuan of styles hitting the streets, alleys, back-alleys and even way-back-alleys bridging the confusion from “awahhhhh???” to “ahhhhh, that’s cool”. 

Last week I was diggin’ for headphones at ‘The Headphone Shop’ inside Yongsan Digital Complex. When I brought up the question to the owner Ryan, and how much I loathe the response ‘everything’. Ryan’s feelings were just as impassioned “customer’s ask me all the time which headphones are the best?’ and my response is always “What kind of music do you listen to?”

Robert Frost once wrote about a diverging fork in the road and having to choose one path. Well, you are now at this fork and have an important choice – cruise through the easy route and say ‘everything’ - or foot the road less traveled and share your musical knowledge to the humble drifters and passionate souls along the way, who are in search of a thimbleful of music to help their deserted minds flow once again. 

departing korea part two

The time has come once again for me to depart from a world in which I have created and flourished within. 11 months deep and over 2 years on and off; I feel as though I am exceeding baggage. I have milked every exhaustible means on this island and it is time for me to move on before my infatuation and understanding for Korea exceeds its capacity and bursts- formulating an underlying fate that unfortunately affects us foreigners after an extended period of stay in this ultimately dichotic conformist wonderland. It is one thing to come here and teach for a year or three- but we all hit the brick wall at one point or another, but to morph and accept this lifestyle as my own is impossible.

Granted, my lifestyle far exceeds my latter in Canada; owning a motorcycle, retaining a well respected well-paid job, paying rent on an amazing house in one of the biggest cities in the world, and many many more attributes that pay homage to my found love and intrigue within a distant and foreign culture.

I have embraced all I can. I have accepted, explores, experienced, and fought through all I can. Now I am done. 26 days left and vigorously counting- I never thought it would come to this; it’s not like I am not enjoying myself, it’s just that I have lost my passion. I have tried to find it; I’ve driven the entire countryside, rapped and performed poetry on stage, written for magazines and websites, thrown a dozen dinner parties and feel like I’ve searched every inch of this land and now I am complete.

NOW, I AM COMPLETE!

club 500

Trapped underground

Cave-like enclosure

Dugouts beneath walkways

Sunk in spirit and mind

The heartbeat draws mortal zombies into unison

Pounding flesh, raw flesh

Robot, mechanized flesh

I too become entranced

My body enveloped in a coat of swinging limbs

just a night

So I met this girl through her friend. I was hanging out in Hongdae drinking a bottle of wine, excited and loud, a little ripe from the suds. I was feeling great. So my friends and I get to the bar and they start to walk down the staircase, but I hang back along the railing, because I have to finish my bottle. The colourful lights and the youthful flow of this hip university town had my eyes shaking like a Ludacris video. When this pretty Spanish girl walks up and I said something like “would you like some wine? I like your eyes”. We get to talking about our new lives in Korea, when her blonde fashionate friend saunters up, torn stockings Cyndi Lauper “girls just want to have fun” mode. I talk to both of them for a while as we finish the wine. My friends return looking for me, we all introduce everything is beautiful. I end up getting the Spanish girl’s phone number and call her soon. Well nothing ended up ever happening with her, but I continued to run into her friend the fashinista all over Korea. We were very sassy with one another in a sexy playful way- but nothing ever happened or was initiated. 

ball game lament

“I need a break- a time out; just a freakin’ second from my day to turn it all off”.

“What the hell are you talking about man?”

“I mean I’m constantly at war with my thoughts. Girlfriend issues; I’m sick of work; I’m thinking of home; confused in my passion; I feel nothing I do will I ever be satisfied with. You know- everything I do for my girlfriend, I think out first. I calculate my action before persecuting- it’s all really mathematical; but in every incident where I put her in the forefront of my thoughts before taking action- I always manage to fuck up. Every fucking time- I fuck up. Take this for example; now it’s pouring outside and I have work in a couple hours. She planned to come over and make me lunch; all sweet and great- but I got work in 2 hours and I got to leave 30 minutes earlier now and catch the bus, cause’ I can’t ride my motorcycle due to the fucking impeccable timing of the downpour. So I say listen sugar “I don’t think today is a good day for lunch… cause I have to leave 30 minutes earlier to get to work cause of the rain and it will take you an hour to get here- leaving no time to cook and eat… and its pouring outside and I don’t want you to get soaked and come all the way to see me- just for 20-30 minutes.” See I was being fucking rational- and you know what? She starts ho-humming about how I’m too damn rational. I don’t even fully recall what her argument was about; something about how she’s got all this meat and veggies and how she’ll have to give it to her roommates now. I don’t know what to say- everything I did I had her with full intention in mind; I didn’t want her to get wet or have to travel across town for such a short stay- No, but I’m the indecent one. I’m the one who shat in her breakfast. So today we get into another tiff at a good ol’ ball game. Minji and I are at the game with her best friend and my friend Daniel, who, let me throw this side-note in first, has a brother now in jail in Tehran because he fought for peace; his 28 year old brother has been locked up for 10 days without a word and his family doesn’t even know which prison he is in; and furthermore a fellow student has just died in jail the day prior. So it is understandable to say he is not of great spirits- but he is a very strong man and has the power of love and such a hate for Muslims in his heart that it fuels him to cope with his brothers reasoning, why he took his anti-Muslim aggression to the streets.  So the four of us are at the game and its now in the 6^th inning; I look over at Daniel and see he’s fading, losing interest- so I ask him if he wants to go home, Ill give him a ride. He does; so I tell the girls that we have to get going, I lie and say we are very tired because I didn’t want to get into detail about his thoughts, which is why I said we are tired. I gave them another beer, wished them a lot of fun, and told my girl I love you (texting her minutes later with the same message, but telling her to call me when the game ends). Not that it matters really but I had free tickets and used them to get Minji and her friend into the game- so when I got the message after I dropped Daniel off that the girls were SO embarrassed; it got me a little upset. Now give me a fucking break- you and your friend are 28 and 29 years old, you are at a free baseball game, with free beer and you are with your best-friend in the world and you got the fucking nerve to say you are embarrassed because we left. It just so happened to be another reason we left, but even if we were tired and that was our excuse- sit and enjoy the goddamn game. But no you decide to text were so embarrassed rather than thanks for the tickets we had a great time; don’t give me this bullshit- you’re not a child anymore; you’re a fucking adult- act like one. Its not like I left you on your own- you’re with your friend. Now I told her- as much as I’d love to have 100% of everything you want in life be the way you will it- unfortunately there are times when I’m gonna do what I want or have to do even against your will. And I would expect the same from you- sometimes we just need to do our things; whether you are too tired or the rain comes unexpectedly- plans change and you cant sit there and fucking wine every time something doesn’t go your way, because that’s life. It would be fucking sweet if every time you pouted “poof” you got your way; well I’m sorry, cause that doesn’t fly with me. I’m not here to disrespect you- nope not at all, and I’m not even trying to be rude or meat-headed by saying ‘Yo baby, these are my rules and you betta stick to them or were gonna have some problems”. Naw, it’s nothing like that; I am here to love you, and everything I do; I will do sweetly and have you in mind. And as for the baseball game- I didn’t ask you to come because I knew you were having a lot of fun with your friend- so instead of bringing the mood down- I wanted you to enjoy your time and stay at the game. I was thinking of her. Every time I think of her it always comes around to bite my fucking ass”.

portrait of a dog

They have a face

A heart

Spirit

Smile

And name

They live in our homes

We feed them

Eat from out table

Love them

They sleep in our beds

We bathe them

Talk to them

We treat them like people

Play with them

Bring them to parks

We run and let them chase us

We take them on walks to the E-mart

And clean up their poop

They come for drives in our car

Sitting patiently

Or panting with excitement

We care for them

We feel pain when they are hurt

Take them to doctors

Nurse them back to health

And spend Millions of Won to keep them out of pain

We dress them as Superman

Bumblebees and princesses

We brush them

We give them hair cuts

And cut their nails

Then brush them again

We dye their hair pink and yellow and blue

We introduce them to our friends

That sometimes watch them when we are away

We walk them in the rain, snow and sun

We hold them,

Sing to them

Carry them in bags

We teach them how to sit,

Shake paws and get beer from the fridge

We buy them toys

We buy them more toys

And we even buy them more toys

And then we clean up their mess

We feel sad when we have to cage them

And tell them it will be just for a short time

And that we will be right by their side

We try to keep them out of trouble

And away from cars and prickly bushes

We take picture

After picture after picture

And sit them in poses

We dress them up for Halloween

We celebrate their birthdays

And give them hamburgers

And ice cream from McDonald’s

We stop and let people pet them

And blush when they say how cute they are

They eat our books, and bite tables

But we never stay mad for long

They wait for us at the door when we get home

And follow us around the house wagging their tail

We leave music on when we leave the house so they don’t feel lonely

We give them treats when they behave

And time-outs when they don’t

We leave the country for a year to teach in Korea

And when we come back they are still our best friend

We play fight

And play games hiding food around the house

We give them ice cubes on hot days

And listen to them crunch away

We build them houses

And give them pillows to sleep on

We laugh when they act silly

And chase bugs or small animals

We laugh when they bite at flashing lights

And floating bubbles

But why do we do give and give and give; when they give nothing back?

Because they do- they give us the only thing they know how- and that’s Love.

And it kills me inside knowing that these beautiful animals, these animals that are born into this world, so innocent, looking for love and to give love; are being packed in cages stacked on top of one another with no room to breathe; tortured by neglect and hate; beaten with bricks, hammers and fists; disgustingly malnourished, then killed and forgotten; all THIS because it claims to give you STAMINA.

I am a foreigner in this wonderful Korea, this I understand. I have given two years of my life dedicated to respecting culture, traditions, customs, gestures, language, and their history; but there are certain things in everyone’s life that they must stand up towards- no matter the situation. And this is something that disgusts me enough to spread my voice. I have travelled the world from South America through Asia and I have travelled most Korea; from Mokpo to Jeju and Busan to Sokcho and all in between and I have seen dogs loved like family and I have seen them screaming for help.  

I have seen them chained to tight, gripping leashes, no longer than an arm,

And I have seen their run free from leash running wild at play

I have heard their cries for attention, food, water, and out of pain,

And I have heard their songs of excitement and happiness

I have witnessed the desperation in their eyes,

Eyes so pure and innocent

Eyes that want love; that need love

And I have witnessed the warm, kind eyes that look as though they are smiling

I have seen them look neglect in the face and still have a smiling heart

And I have seen them look love in the face and try to lick it

I have seen their tails wagging at a hello and a pat on their head; because they have never been touched with affection

And I have seen their tails wagging at a hello and pat on their head; because that is how they wake every morning

You might ask me “Why dogs? Why not fight for cows, chickens, pigs- all animals?”

For one, I am against all animal cruelty, but dogs have taken up such a part of my life. I grew up with a dog in my home. My dog was actually part of my family before I- So I had just as much right to be there as her. But I grew up as an only child and a dog has been by my side my whole life.  I have witnessed their first snow falls. I was there when they got spayed by a skunk and they had to be washed in tomato juice to get the smell out. I left home for university and Korea and came back home to the same loving dog- not judging or hateful.  I woke up to my dog lying dead on my living-room floor with a smile on her face after being sick for half of her life; and I sat there with her thinking about all the walks we went on; every time she came to one of my baseball games; the nights she kept me warm on my bed; the look in her eyes when she knew I was leaving and didn’t know when I would be back. These aren’t the experiences I have shared with cows, chickens or pigs. I have shared human connection with my dogs, because they have human qualities; they share feelings, they express happiness and sadness, love and anger, they give protection and warmth, they sense when we are upset or in trouble and give everything that they know how- just like a good friend. And that’s what these innocent animals are OUR FRIENDS.

I want to end with a little story my friend told me. When she was young her dog had six puppies, which was too many for them to take care of- so they had some people over looking to raise them. While this was going on a man came and stole the mother. Not only did this kill the babies because lack of nutrition from their mother’s milk- but it killed the family’s heart. It was found out later that the man who stole the dog used the mother to make boshitong. Their family dog was now a soup. She told me this story with tears in her eyes over 20 years later.

All I can say is that please don’t support dog and cat meat. These are our friends. We share our lives with them; you should think of the history of this innocent animal’s life before you support such a cruel trade. Because the next time you decide to eat dog or cat- it might have had a house, a name, and a family. Please have a heart.

Thank you

diary of a single mother

Jan 2, 2007

It feels like yesterday that I was teaching my baby boy to walk. I remember his cute chubby cheeks and big blue eyes.  I remember dressing him in his cute denim jacket and tying his cute little shoes. I used to stare at him while he slept thinking I never wanted him to grow up. And now my baby is moving to Korea.

I’ve been coming home for the past 23 years knowing that my baby was safe and comfortable. I could see him, touch him, kiss him, love him- but now he is going to be on the other side of the world. He’ll be in a strange place where he doesn’t know the language or the culture. He could be in danger and I would never know. I feel helpless; there is nothing I can do.

Jan 3, 2007

Today was the first day without my boy. I sat parked in the driveway crying- knowing there will be silence the second I walk in the door. I won’t hear him say ‘I love you mom’ or ‘can I borrow the car‘. I don’t care if he speeds anymore- I just want him back. I miss his quirky voices- his silly faces and beautiful smile. I miss the way he makes me feel like a better person. I don’t know how I can last a year without him.

Why couldn’t he stay in Canada- get his masters and become a writer and live under his loving mother’s wing till she grows old. I know that might be pushing it, but I am allowed to dream too.

When I was young, you went to school, got a job, and then married. It was an easy formula- you didn’t cross the globe to teach English. That was unheard of! What is it with these kids today that feel like they need to become cultured? I even told him I would buy him a car if he stayed- it wouldn’t have been a new car, that’s out of my price range but a car nonetheless. I would have told my parents that I was moving out, if I knew they would buy me a car. Actually, now that I think of it, they were probably thrilled the day I moved out.

But no, my son has had his heart set on this for the past 4 years. I always thought it would pass. He has come up with so many ideas, plans, adventures and journeys- that always in the back of my mind I thought this would just become another crazy idea. But as time went on the idea only got stronger and stronger and well… now it’s no longer an idea- but reality.

                                                           

Jan 10, 2007

A week has gone by now since he left and it’s quieter than ever. I’ve been trying to keep busy with friends and the dog to take my mind away from being alone. Karma is a great help- so young and playful. I walk her every night and she gives me the biggest puppy kisses. I wonder if she misses her big brother as much as I do. I wonder if she will recognize him when he gets back- that will be weird to see.

I talked to my baby this week and he is having an unbelievable time. I don’t know how he does it. He just picks up his life and moves somewhere unfamiliar and he somehow becomes a part of it. He is having the time of his life.

One thing that scared me was when I read in one of his blogs that he climbed a mountain the other day.  Though when he climbed down he mistakenly ended up on a military course where there was a mannequin with bullet holes in it and a tower with shooters. This boy is going to give me a heart attack and there is nothing I can do about it. If something happens to him- I will kill myself. He is my heart. Please God don’t let anything happy to my baby boy, he is precious and I couldn’t go on.

But with that said, I know good will happen- he is living his dream.

                                                           

Feb 3, 2007

I just got word that he finished his contract and is going to go backpacking through Thailand. What a life he is living. I feel as though I am living my life vicariously through his. I love hearing his stories. He has such a gift for telling stories and lighting up the lives of others.

I can picture him in the living room with all of his friend’s playing cards- chatting and laughing away- while I’m in the kitchen baking for the boys. Those were some of my happiest times. If I could bake full time- now that would be my dream. I’ve really been baking a lot and trying to get my business on the go again. Baking is my one true passion,-if I could get out of optics and turn ‘hugs and quiches’ into something big, that would be amazing. I’ve been working at a job I hate for the last 30 years, it’s about time for a break.

                                                           

Feb 4, 2007

My baby the world traveler! Wow the stories he shares. He has done more in his life than I have in mine and he is half my age- this doesn’t seem fair. He has been contacting me about once or twice a week when he is around a computer. I check my email about 10 times a day waiting for emails- when I get one I can sleep comfortable knowing that he is safe. It still makes me nervous with him gone- these countries are not safe and my baby is a risk taker. I know he is smart but sometimes he likes to have too much fun. I just hope he stays out of trouble.

                                                           

Feb 5, 2007 

I told him about this party going on in Thailand called The Full Moon Party in Koh Phangan, and he just got back from it. He wrote me a letter about it…..

Sounds like a blast.

                                                             

Mar 5, 2007

So my baby is back in Korea and safe. I was worried that he might get in trouble. In Thailand along the Malaysian border there are Muslim terrorists at war- that is the last place my little mashugana needs to be.

He ran into some complications with his visa. He went to Thailand in the first place to get his working visa for Korea, but it never arrived. So, his boss cancelled his return flight and booked him another- two weeks later. Some life.

           

            ‘No… stay in Thailand two more weeks and

            soak in the sun, lie on the crystal beaches

            and get messages all day- that sounds horrible’

             

When the visa didn’t arrive- he flew back to Korea on a tourist visa and waited a day until the documents came through. His boss then flew him to Japan -all expenses- to cover all legal actions. And now he is getting settled at his new job at Bambini. My baby the teacher- the kids are going to love him.

                                                             

Apr 15, 2007

  

It’s been about four months now since he left and life is normal at home. I work- come home to wet puppy kisses and start baking. I play poker on weekends and visit my parents in Buffalo. I feel connected to my baby even though he’s on the other side of the world. We keep in touch through email and webcam. Technology is truly an amazing thing- it’s like he’s right here in the room with me.

I don’t think I could have went without seeing my baby if we didn’t stay in touch through the computer. Anyways, I’ve accepted the fact he is gone, and I look forward to sending him packages with all my baked goodies. He is probably sick of eating bugs and live octopus by now.

                                                           

May 7, 2007

Lou and I have been talking and I think I am going to come to visit him in Korea in September. I am going to have to start saving big time. But this will give me a great opportunity to see into the life of my baby- see his house, friends and his cutie Asian students.

                                                           

May 28, 2007

We haven’t talked in some time now- I always miss him on the computer and I am having the hardest time with the area code and which number to dial. You have to drop the 0(zero) or take off a 1 and add a 0(zero). I don’t know- it’s just really confusing- and some woman keeps answering the phone and speaking in Korean. Maybe it’s his new girlfriend and she’s trying to steal my baby from me. That bitch!

I will tell you one thing; he is not marrying a Korean girl and moving over there. I draw the line there- I don’t care if she moves to Canada but there is no way in hell he is

going to live in Korea.

Please don’t let him want to live in Korea!!!

                                                           

Jun 22, 2007

So… Lou started dating a Korean clothing designer. I always get confused with the girls he dates- every week it’s a different girl. I hope he doesn’t break her heart. If she makes my baby is happy, I guess I’ll like her.

It’s funny though, whenever I ask him “What is she like?” He always says the same thing “cool”. Everyone’s cool. I’ve heard ‘she’s cool’ about 100 times. Well at least it doesn’t sound like love. I hope I don’t have any Asian grandchildren running around soon.

Baby please be smart and safe during sex- I’m not ready to be a grandma. I’m too young to be a grandma.

                                                           

Jul 9, 2007

I have managed to put $1500 aside for my trip to Korea- I am getting so excited. Lou said that I can come in the class and help teach for 2 day with him. We are going to a cooking course and ill just get to watch my baby in action.

I’ve seen so many pictures of those little sweethearts- little Annie and chubby cheek Sally… Awwwww such cuties.

Those kids are going to be heart broken when the year is over. Lou has been talking about quitting and starting a contract at another school. He can never finish anything. I think it is important for him to honor his contract and stick it out for complete the year. I’ve talked to the whole family and they all agree. I know he will make the right decision.

           

                                   

Jul 28, 2007

I just sent my baby a package for his birthday- he has been begging me for this drum machine thingy, called the Dr. Boss 880 – or something like that. I was on eBay searching day and night for the best one. It should be arriving at his school just in time for his birthday.

I can’t believe he will be 24- boy does time fly. It’s like I blinked and his whole life has gone by. If I could have him back when he was just a little baby and relive all his moments again- I’d do it in a heartbeat. I’d even go through child birth again. And we all know what wonders that does to the stretch lines. Oh, to be young again!!

My baby is the best thing that ever came out of my marriage. And now he’s all grown up- a world traveler- I’m so proud of him. I just know good things will come of him.

I don’t know what… but he is destined for greatness.

                                                           

Aug 17, 2007

I just got off the webcam with my sweetie pie and today he’s 24. Well, technically he will be in 14 hours- but who’s counting.

He went to an all you can eat-all you can drink restaurant for his birthday today with his girlfriend and friends and he said he had a blast. They threw ice cream and cake all over him. I hope he didn’t get too drunk. I’ve heard stories where kids have died on their birthday from having consumed too much alcohol. I’m still a worrying parent even though he’s on the other side of the world.  

He told me the package arrived today- and he got all the goodies and the drum machine, I even sent him a lava lamp he’s been dying to have.

I swear that boy is a hippy- always with his incents and lava lamps. It takes me back to my bellbottom days. Oh, the summer of love- long hair, unforgettable music, and uninhibited freedom.

My boy even has the same style in music as I do. I love it when he plays his Fleetwood Mac lp- Stevie Nicks singing Dreams takes me way back. And Traffic‘s- John barleycorn must die it’s like I’ve travelled back in time.

I remember when he came home with a Nirvana c.d. when he was about 12 years old and I made return it- because it had a parental advisory sticker. But then I listened to it, and I began to really like it- so we would sing the songs together on our drives to Buffalo or the grocery store.

Speaking of driving, I’m going to be riding on the back of Lou’s motorbike all around Korea. Talk about an experience. I am psyched but a little nervous- I mean driving in Asia. I’ve heard about the horror stories. I know he will be the best tour guide though. He has taken over that country- I bet he knows that country like the back of his hand.

Anyways 39 days till I see my baby. I am going to give him the biggest hug in the world. I don’t think I will be able to keep my eyes off of him- I will be staring at him while he sleeps. I am so excited.                                                                                                                     

Aug 29, 2007

Three weeks till I’m in Korea running into my boys arms.

I’ve got so much to do up until then- I feel like there are not enough hours in the day. I’m either; working, baking or playing with the puppy. I hope Larry can watch Karma.  It will nice to have a vacation. But I think I will be so busy on the vacation by the sounds of it- I will need a vacation to relax from my vacation. I’m glad I booked the day off after I get back from Korea to rest.  Three more weeks!

Sept 17, 2007                         

                         

Monday- I drove to Buffalo after making many Karma arrangements- Lynn, Sue, Edwin- everyone is helping out to make me stress free for my trip. The big countdown from 88 days and here I am.

Larry (my ex-husband) was planning on surprising me with a bon voyage party, but I had an optical seminar- so I had to cancel.

I got together for lunch, coffee and dinner with all my friends- they are about as excited as I am,knowing how terribly I miss Louis. I can’t believe I am going to Korea. I can’t wait to get off the plane and hug him to death.

                                                           

I am sitting at the airport in Atlanta awaiting my 15 hour flight… ugh!

Last night the whole family took me out for dinner at Red Robin- I was quite nervous thinking about luggage weight, transferring, being on time etc.

My sister Diane drove me to Buffalo airport- and now here I am sitting with a bunch of Koreans that I will be spending the next 15 hours of my life with.

                                                           

Sept 18, 2007  continued on flight… arriving   Sept 19, 2007

The flight is amazing. The plane is empty and I have three seats to myself; 3 pillows, 3 blankets and 3 meals- that’s the last thing I need, more food. I ordered a vegetarian meal- so decadent. I even have my own TV with movies and HBO.

The plane landed and now its 14 hours ahead- technically it’s September 19^th, being that its 14 hours ahead and a 15 hour flight I jumped a day.

I followed a Korean lady to catch a bus to Anyang then I got off at Beomgye station- 5 minutes later Lou rode up on his motorbike and- Oh my God!- I wrapped my arms around him like a big fuzzy bear would spotting a jar of sweet golden honey. 

We took a cab to his place with the luggage after locking his motorbike up. It was pouring rain- because of serious monsoons in China. The taxi arrived at his house minutes later.

I brought some goodies and we reminisced as he opened his presents. We got ready to go out for dinner, then headed to this great big market area in Beomgye; neon lights, outdoor restaurants, vendors- selling sushi, produce, toys anything you could name.

We went to this great restaurant for duk galbi, a mixture of cabbage, and other fermented vegetables, a spicy red chili sauce,  duk (which is chicken) and melted cheese, which has just been recently introduced to Korea- I ate it without the duk.

We shopped at a large underground grocery store- very authentic- where Korean women were dressed in traditional dresses (hanboks) which were bright and colorful. We then picked up Lou’s motorbike and drove back home to chill before we went bowling with his friends.

We bowled 3 games and had so much fun. Lou really has a great group of friends. Everyone was so nice I fit in with them all.

It’s now 1:11 am and I haven’t slept in 31 hours so I am going to sleep. I have to wake up in 7 hours to teach with Lou.

Sept 20^th, 2007

It was a great day at school with Louis- the kids love him, he has so much fun with the kids.  I got very emotional when Sharon, Lois and Bram was playing on the school radio- it brought me back to when Lou was a child- and now he’s teaching them.

The people at school were very friendly- everyone welcomed me. The kids even called me Louis Mommy Teacher.

You don’t wear shoes at school- everyone changes into slippers- just a little fact.

After school we shopped a bit then went home to nap. We decided to go to Itaewon in Seoul- the foreign Mecca- for dinner. It was raining outside but we managed to get a table under an umbrella.

We were eating pizza when this drunken guy came over and wanted to sit and smoke- we told him he could sit but not smoke. He went into details about his wife and how the police are searching for him about domestic abuse- crazy- then Lou took his picture- also crazy. The guy freaked out, grabbing Lou’s beer bottle and raised it as to hit him in the head.

He was screaming “what did you take the picture for? What did you take the picture for?” So Lou deleted the picture- what a nut. He really scared me for a while. He finally left and we booted it home on his motorbike in the pouring rain.

Louis figured the guy was in the American military and didn’t want to get in trouble with us having his picture- makes sense. It was a good night, but a weird and memorable one.

Sept 21^st, 2007

Today is the last day of school before Chuseok- the Korean thanksgiving. The kids came to school dressed in their hanboks and we made dumplings with raisins and brown sugar- also a traditional food.

We took them for a walk to the market to buy them veggies and bread so we could make the kids Canada’s traditional meal- spaghetti.

Because of the holiday the kids had their pictures taken and played games. We served them lunch- ugh! I don’t know how they can eat that stuff. Tony didn’t like the pasta- but he sure went to town on those fish heads.

I said “Hi, Honey” to the kids the first day and the kids thought it was a riot. I’m really going to miss little Annie and chubby faced Sally and Eunice- oh she was so cute acting as the mom of the class.

The school presented me with a gift for helping out- bowed and thanked me. What a respectful country.

After school we went to Costco- I know what you are thinking, ‘a Costco in Korea‘- but it’s very metropolitan in Korea, they have everything you can think of- from Starbucks and Outback to Pizza Hut and Burger King ( yes, I understand these are all restaurants- what can I say ’I love food’).

On the way home we drove around a lake that was surrounded by funky, nouveau fusion restaurants. We stopped to take pictures and went to a market to pick up fruit for blender drinks at Lou’s dinner party tonight. All his friends are bringing over vegetarian dishes because they know I don’t eat meat- how sweet.

It’s now 3:30 am- Louis is sleeping and that’s what I am about to do. What a night- so much fun but exhausted.

Sept 22^nd, 2007

Woke up late-ish and Louis made spicy egg and cheese croissants. I saddled up on his motorbike and we took off for the day around noon and headed to Seoul to visit Namdaemun market- 1000’s of vendors selling underwear to silkworms down narrow winding roads, draped in electrical wires, wafts of fragrant bouquets of meat, colorful people, and oh those treacherous silkworms.

We cruised the alleys for quite some time- which was an amazing experience- before heading back to Itaewon for a western lunch. We stopped at one of Lou’s favorite joints ‘Smokey Saloon’ for burgers- I had the fish and chips being a vegetarian.

After lunch we went across the street to a very modern Californian bar ‘Bungalow’s and had a drink. The bar was laid out in levels with different rooms bedded with sand- it was like relaxing on the beach. Swinging chairs hung from the ceiling, large block candles set the mood, as funky beaded chandeliers canopied our heads.

I ordered a margarita and Lou had a Hoegarden- he made me guess what he had planned for later in the evening- like I had any clue; we could be eating live octopus for all I know- Please no!!

We dusted the sand out between our toes and got back on his bike and drove to this artsy side of town complemented by an old stone fortress.  I still had the slightest of clues as to what we were going to do.  All of a sudden we turned a corner and a big neon sign lit up the sky “Nanta”- where the hell are you taking me, I prodded Lou.

I soon found out it was a high energy play about Korean cooking. We sat roughly 10 rows in and perfectly centered with the stage- I had no clue what to expect. It turned out to be really funny and interactive with the whole crowd, nothing that I can really pinpoint, it was just an overall fun atmosphere. We left laughing and I was left with a permanent smile the rest of the evening. I always have a fun time with Lou, he is totally my son we have such a similar sense of humor. Well, after a beautiful ride over the Seoul Bridge, we stopped for a pizza topped with corn and sweet potato??????? What kind of country is this? When the pizza was finished we drove it back to Lou’s house and put on a movie while talking about plans for the next week, and fell asleep after a long day of unexpected fun.

Sept 23-28, 2008

The next week kind of just flew by, being that we didn’t stop moving for even one minute. The days all seemed to blend together- starting with day trips to the artsy district of Insadong and Jongno.

The cobble streets stirred with a colorful commotion of locals and foreigners alike shopping or eating in one of the hundreds of little shops selling traditional Korean goods. The streets were a feast for the eyes, I could see why Lou loves this area- I could spend all day sitting with a coffee staring at all the walks of life that pass by.

Lou took me to another Duk Galbi joint; this one was located down a bustling alley lined with art deco oversized piano that swallowed the lane. The restaurant was delicious, and once again I picked out the chicken of my meal- have to stay strong.

We hit two other market areas named Myong Dong and Dongdaemun.

Myong Dong was more of a fashionable area- that boasted shop after shop of beauty stores and tiny Korean sized clothing boutiques, but still had that wandering smell of bondaegee- oh how I loathe that smell. Dongdaemun had more of a second hand, flee market feel to it- but was still amusing and I managed to find a cozy triple XL LRG sweater. I can just picture taking Karma for it on a cool fall night, or lying on the couch on a snowy night draped in it.

New day

One day I’ll never forget for the rest of my life was renting bicycles around Yeouido Park. Lou and I rented these antique bikes, and cruised along the Han River on such a glorious day that whatever we did- being that it was such a beautiful day only made it that more special. We followed the path along the river passing, the unbelievable skyline that graced the other side, fields of children at play, couples and families coasting past us on their rented bicycles and vendors selling that damn bondaegee everywhere.  We entered a tunnel and came out on the adjacent side and were situated in the centre of a little park surrounded by skyscrapers.

The park was stocked with a pond with ducks and fish gorging on the influx of breadcrumbs and fish-food. The park was also home to a statue of the creator of Hangeul, the Korean written and spoken language- we took a few pictures before finding a pathway embedded with rocks acting as a healthy alternative treating pressure points in the foot, known as reflexology.

We took turns walking around- let’s just say that it might have been the next most unpleasant thing to giving birth and eating bondaegee.

After returning the bikes I needed a bite to eat and I was not in the mood for anything Korean- so I forced Lou to go to Outback.  

Oh, how I love those blooming onions. So we hopped onto the motorbike and took a journey to the closest Outback. Can you believe it, the only thing I was craving and it was out of stock- go figure, we are in Korea.

Being that I was now in the mood, we ventured to another Outback. This time we were luckier as we sat down and ordered our meals, while stuffing our faces with loaf after loaf of delicious warm bread and my first ‘real’ American meal.

New day

Today was particularly special, considering the magnitude of our trip. Today we endeavored to the North Korean border of Panmunjeon, and hiked into an infiltration tunnel that led to South Korea. This was a first for Lou and I, which was great for us to share this moment together. 

It was really something out of this world. We got to the border and took pictures into the barren land of North Korea; the only thing visible through the mountains was a flag that jutted out of the earth standing over 100 feet tall. All the border guards were armed with guns and you could just feel the tension.

Following that we got back onto the bus and made our way to

the third tunnel. We all got decked out in yellow hats and sunk ourselves into the earth; my legs felt like jello trying to walk out of it. Once we reached the bottom, which seemed like a mile deep, we walked through this little passageway that led us further and further to the border of North Korea, but from underneath the earth. What an adventure, I can’t believe the experience were having.

On the bus ride back, our tour guide told us about a friend of hers that escaped from North Korea by swimming to China. We don’t even know how good we have it. Seeing something like this really makes you appreciate your life and everything that we have- we are so fortunate.

A funny little side note; our trip was to include a visit to a gem factory, but instead they took us to a dealership. At least it is a story to talk about.

New day

Today is the last day of my trip and I’m heading back to Canada in a few hours. Words cannot express how proud I am of Lou, and how unbelievably sad I am that I won’t be seeing him for another 6 months. I value our time so much, and it feels like time is just flying by like the wind. I hope we stay touch as much as we did his first semester.

Well, I better prepare myself I have a 30 hour journey to the other side of the world. Boy, am I not looking forward to this.

November 3, 2007

I am finally back to my reality and finished suffering from jetlag and am once again in my routine of work and taking care of the puppy.

It feels surreal that I was just in Korea with Lou and then I got on a plane and ‘presto’, I’m back in Canada. Well, I don’t know how to put it, but as much my heart is breaking that I am away from Lou- I finally understand why he needed to do this.

Ever since he started university I heard him speak of travelling overseas to teach, and I always thought it was just a phase and that it would pass. At least I hoped it would pass, but I never really gave it too much thought because it was years away. Though as time passed his mind just got stronger and with that my mind began to wander. What would life be like without my baby?

What will I do without him?

He doesn’t need me anymore I thought. I raised him to the man he is today; through birth, changing diapers, a divorce, raising him single handedly, through seven houses, birthday parties, bar mitzvah, car accidents, girlfriends and sleepovers, vacations to Puerto Rico and Las Vegas, drugs and alcohol discussions, all the while having a roof over his head, more than enough food in his belly, clothes on his back, and a university degree.

But what I have learned throughout the past 24 years is that, I have slowly been instilling myself, my wisdom, everything that I have learned from my parents and everything I have learned throughout my trials, and have molded Louis in that same light- a positive and loving light- and now Louis is the embodiment of everything that I am, what my family is and so much more.

I have done everything I could to have brought Louis up the same as families with two parents- and the truth is I think he came out better than most of them. Which is why after seeing him in Korea, teaching those little cuties, living comfortably in his own apartment, riding his own motorbike, and showing me around town, and doing everything with love and such an appreciation and passion towards life- I now know that this was the best thing to happen to him. And it’s not that I’ll ever stop worrying or caring for my baby, but I now can truly see that he has his head on his shoulders and love in his heart, and anything he wants to do in this world is his for the taking. And the best thing to come from all this- is that now it is giving me a chance to see places of the world that I would have never thought of going had it not been for Louis. And every step along the way I will be right there by his side.