lou's lament

Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!

The jumbly mess of a blundering atrocity

The wretched inklings of thought

Disfigured, maimed

Limping thought the foul sewage

I call my mind.

Clenched jaw, tensed in anger

Brewing envisions of the nights past

Feeling confined, chained

Gagging on my passive actions

In the last 10 hours I’ve relived the moment as if id locked eyes with my child as our grip lost clasp and let slip away. Now choking on words and tears- I feel as if I too had lost a love.  She was the first girl I’d loved and within days a migratory had taking homage and feasted on my broken heart, drinking my tears until I was barren as the Gobi.

I let the phone ring until she appeared at my door- she knocked with the weight of anger. I meekly let her in. The blinds hid any source of light. My room mixed with the stench of resent and fear along with my smoky clothes which were strewn about the room. I swim in my bed as tears stain my pillowcase. This is the scene she walks into- dark, lonely and down.

Not my best moment, but I bore no painted face. Every apology was batted away with quick arsenal. The tears rallied between us.  I drowned in her eyes thinking it would be the last- my sombre face wrinkled, squinting fighting composure.  I pictured a life without her smiling, glowing, sexy presence- and I vowed to protect her. 

These words foreign to my lips- always one to give love, humour, nourishment, encouragement, attention and so on…. But protection- where has my head been lodged?

Girls need protection- the feeling of safety and security. Why had I not offered my position that night? I choked- I lost the moment. A coward, a chicken, a push-over- I jumped to rationality rather than violence- a formula breast fed to me since birth. It is a product of my heritage.

But there must be times when I need to break character and fight for love. That night I fought with tears, a surreal awakening inside of me- I need to be aware at all times. I lead an indecisive ‘yadda yadda whatever’s cool’ kind of life and it is time I turned that around. Its time I have my mind made up before I enter a situation give it my full attention.

Min Ji criticized my character pointing out that dire situations bring out a persons real character. Am I a weak man? Do I coward and run from trouble? Or is it a trait that I can work on and master? These questions will be left hanging next to the suit that awaits my funeral.

We emerged from my bedroom as a burst of light blinded our beady eyes- and much like the sun after a storm, it too instilled beauty and calmness.  And as if she had planned it- her first smile appeared on her face since the incident. We toss smiles back and forth like father and son playing ball.  I will tell you it was one of the most refreshing moments in my life- to have lost love and found it staring into your eyes. She said she loved me over a bike ride.   

6/2/2009