nicolas cottage

Day 2-

Woke nacho up to go canoeing

Canoed to lyle island then it started raining

Pooped on the island

Saw snake skin

Saw ducks with chicks swimming

The rain stopped

Canoed back

Shallow lake hit the rocks

Back for pancakes by Shannon

Ate at kitchen table with everyone

Foosball with nacho

Hudson thank you card fuck up

Chill by the pit with dan

Meaghan and I do shrooms and smoke a j

Go swimming

Sun comes out

Then gang goes swimming to bone island

I don’t have shoes hang out in water tripping out

Imagine head is a rock and birds land on it

Words of wisdom: don’t care so much about the people around you that are listening

I always look to see if people are watching- don’t be so needy!

Tiresome swim back

Shannon swimming out of water said she needs to be about 3 feet lower

Back to land and saw 2 snakes

Thought one was dead and the other was guarding it with a broken hard

Nacho tried to pick it up with a stick and hissed and they both slithered away

Bbq

Time trip out

Mad rush put oil on the veggies

Flame started growing burning burgers

Big laugh uncontrollable

Howls with Rebecca plate in hand

Clean up

Chop wood for the fire and build it

Play football and Frisbee watching the sunset

Come back to chill by fire

Girls on dock/ boys by fire

Break out guitar and bongos

Hear Nicola playing bongos from dock crying and laughing

Pile up to watch stars

Heads overlapping with Shannon

Keep working the fire everyone moves from the heat

Marshmellows on fire

Nicola and I have heart to hear about nate and her past

Go in to play things after another j with dan

Laugh our asses off (game where u have to guess what the other wrote)

Nacho read in spanich voice “a man loses the will to live after waking up next to rosie odonell

Night ends with me on the couch again with my pants on the rocks with a snake on it

Day 3: first to wake and I come to sit at the edge of the dock under a windy haze

Joined by nacho, brad and nate

Went to corner store for footlongs

Took nap

Woke

Tripped out

Pesto and pasta

All chilled in livingroom with guitar and reeding

Stayed up for the sunset

And so it begins!!!!

Ladies light the fire in a rush to keep warm

I like when my body underwater when its raining because then only my head gets wet

Squirming motions of a squid/octopus

Day 3:

Woke up after reading big sur

Peanut butter and shrooms

Frisbee

Odd family wih broken camera

I would have yelled through interaction- but I wanted them to have a true family portrait

Nicolas laugh smacking the rocks, until  an avelanch echoed our way- I had two options

Stay completely still until that damn trembling demon washed me out to shore or embrace the waves churning in my belly, like tilted bottle shifting back and forth, my toes to mouth in constant waves

I lied on the couch, toes missing the heat, but swaying nonetheless, my head rested upon a pillow of footprints and sunsets wanting to singalong- just a note- the motions, waves crashing my body to where each smile is enhanced and im left giddy thinking of smiling- the rain behind the windows- Rebecca tripping over shoes laughs, laughs, laughs- 2 cents in the boat, dock,bed, and change in my pocket

Rain rain rain- I love rainy days

Laughing laughing I climb out of the lake

Laughing laughing I walk to the front of the house through ashy firepit on wet toes

Laughing laughing I peak through treet- girls with turtle in wagon, wet rain, rides around the lawn

Laughing laughing, laughing

Day 4; dockside

4 muskoka chairs in a row

Nacho, Rebecca, missing Shannon, and I

Draped in sweats and towel await the leisure sun hidden behind twisted branches-

Some speckled light breaks through with the sway of wind

Its easy to get lost in a moment

Now on my 4^th day at Nicolas cottage the fluidity of simplicity has limited my wandering thoughts of my life back in town

I’m even left with guilt churning in my stomach- a real sick feeling in my gut

That’s disguised in suit and tie telling me “boy we gotta talk”

But I don’t want to talk so I repress the conversation-

Put a new mask on it and call it a getaway

Drink my beer, smoke joints, eat well, and trip balls on muschrooms until I end up in the bathroom looking under cupboards for a new mark to don-

But its notmy house you see- so I ditch the mask idea  and think about everything that should be on my mind like my grandfather who just passed away and how im dealing with it well

Perhaps too well compared to some, but I understand we all deal with death and grief differently.

I mean I love the guy to death- we shared the same love for life and really when it comes down it it, just loved each others company; computer talk, golf scores,even just grabbing a hotdog. We’d kid each other on how we dressed or ate our food and now hes gone- too fast, it aways is, we never want anyone to go, but I have to try to make peace with the whole of it- I have no choice- but where the pain now stings me is that nana now wakes up each morning to an empty bed, she shops the grocery store for one, shes left in her quiet, empty home, littered with family photos- each one connecting a once joyous memory that slinks down to a memory of loss-

Marve you horrible husband and father-

Which is another though ive kept in hiding over the past few days

My moters attachment and difficulty of coming to terms

Rightfully so- its over her fucking father

I mean… I understand and thankfully don’t know the actual severity of her pain-

Ive recently had though, due to our current situation, how id react to the loss of my mother or father\and  I honestly cant fahom it- not being able to pick up the phone or relive our memories-

No more holidays, dinners, bday celebrations or be safe I love you texts

A knot in my throat tightens now just thinking of it- im sure the same knot that’s still stuck in my mothers throat- and choking her heart!

Ive never lived in buffalo, growing up in Canada- I saw my grandparents a lot, but still no that much in the scheme of our lives and it saddens me this might be a reason ive been able to deal with papa’s death- I rationalize his age, his peaceful passing, his vitality and passion for life, id love for all of us to live forever, but im not a child and must think like an adult-

Papa I love you can you hear me I only want one thing, and that’s for our family to be able to smile once again. I hate that ive been at a cottage for 4 days and can so easily go on with my life. It’s a crime and a prayer and its that balanced mix that’s creating a churning that rings my belly sitting in 1 of the 4 muskoka chairs now next to a sleeping Rebecca wrapped in blanket and covered head to toe in towels. The sun has almost brinked the tree line as a golden haze has left my eyes at half mass. It’s a new day today but all the tomorrows are going to be faced with similar fear that the crime will outweigh my prayers.