cancelled plans

Its 10 o’clock Friday night and I’ve one by one cancelled all my plans;

Freestyling with Mookie… sorry man I gotta wake up early.

Colin and Norma… how about you come to my house Sunday?

Pops…sorry dad going out with Mookie.

Jer…using the same ol' tired excuse.

The school years starting in about two weeks and students are beginning to flood back into my neighborhood. My apartment is on a corner lot facing king (the main road in Westdale) from two different windows. Laughter chokes me and crowds on their way to the bar wound me- I desperately want to run down and say hey “hey, can I come along? I’m fun and energetic watch this (adlib some stupid high kick or leg flail)… please like me” I need human contact so bad- I need it more than masturbation- unfortunately the latter ends up being my go to after I pus’ out on Mookie, Colin, pops, Jer and the gang heading to the bar- and the worst part about it is that I analyze it to death instead of picking up the phone and jumping on my bike.

The phone barely rings... and when it does- you guessed it- its Ma! Good Ol’ Ma- just when I thought I couldn’t get any lonelier or removed from the world I get a call from the ma! Don’t get me wrong I love the Ma to death- but when you’re sitting around waiting for interaction and the phone starts vibrating and that ring kicks in and you dive into your pocket only to see those familiar digits- it hurts- it shouldn’t but it hurts!

I know how this rant sounds like a huge contradiction- I cancelled on four friends then sit at home and wine like I have no friends- this is just a slice of the fucked up way my head works. I guess what it really comes down to is that I want a woman- I must, and am so fucking hell bent on the thought that if the chance of me without one is added into the equation I get like this and sit around and mope that I’m mad at the fucking world- when if I were with a woman id be over at mookies rhyming, then partying with Colin and Norma, and out with pops after all in the same night.. just knowing that I had someone at home or out with her friends thinking about me.

It’s even to the point where I question walking to the coffee shop- what should I wear? Who will I meet? What will I say to her? Do I really want a woman or just a piece of ass and then on to the next… then to scare me out of actually trying to get with a girl- I role-play how the sex would go- well before that even I role-play me taking off my shirt and pants and her being disgusted.

Yeah I fuck. I was with this Chinese girl last week… well were on and off and sorta booty callish- though she’s booty-less. I’m an ass man, hell, I love women, small women honestly, and I’ve  noticed myself getting pickier- but I love ass, titties are great, but a nice bum that I could sink my teeth into..mom honestly it’s all I think about- to the point that it’s taking over my thoughts.

So just a refresher to myself for the most part- I really don’t know who I am, what I want, or blahhhhhhh I can’t think straight. Always analyze… analyze… analyze… it’s totally a Debby thing… back to the ma again.

I bought some bread today a Punjab market and tore half the loaf off and walked back to my seat eating it along the way looking in the mirror- I basically finished it by the time I sat down only to get up and open the Ziploc grabbing the other half and shoving it into my face looking at myself in disgust in that same damn mirror.

I think its best that I just sleep the night off!