just a walk

My walks appear to have left me no closer to relief.

Each endeavor into the woods sends clear thoughts,
free mind & temporary closure to my suffocating conscious.
I leave the woods with progress, a sense of advancement an AHHH effect
But as the day turns long- my wooded serenity becomes no longer transferable
and i'm once again left with choking breaths, wandering mind, and jealous rambling thoughts.

This is not me!!
Though it is the new me.
A me I hate.
A me I want to drown with force.
I have been giving 100% to a woman who gives 50% of herself.
This has proven to have a perpetual negative effect on my entire livelihood.
I no longer smile.
I act like a zombie.
I am left deaf to conversation.
My mind is controlled by her lack of interest in I.
I feel sick.
My stomach churns.
My head dizzy.
Faint.
I need air.
Where are you?
Why are you not with me?
When i'm with you I feel alive? Or at least tricked!
Cleopatra you are!
Am I under a spell?
Giving only a little to lead me on.
Have I been mastered by your fallacious tongue and warm desirable body?

I have been led astray.
My path no longer my own.
Blindfolded dumb love-
Slight of hand fooled.

How do I conquer you?
How do I conquer you?
HOW DO I CONQUER YOU?

Must I puke out my vile past?
All our fairy tale moments- reduced to mediocrity if that.
Your mouth is not sacred
Your lips, thighs, kisses-
Tainted
You are not mine!
You never were & I knew this
I tried to change you- make you mine.
I failed and broke myself!
I am broken
I am broken
broken, broken, broken

But with my strong, laborious, educated, traveled, worn, weathered,
crafty, useful, structured, fierce, aggressive, genuine, beaten & beautiful hands-
I will fix myself.
Maybe not overnight-
But I will cure thee.
I will build myself stronger,
Build myself to my own specific dimensions exceeding limitations & boundaries-
I will cure my pain.
I will ail my wounds.
I will quench my tormented sea of thought.
I will conquer you.